First day I was satisfied with my parenting was a week ago, which is notable only because my child is almost 4, and I’ve been way too hard on myself for a long time. I’m currently doing some intense work with The Handel Group, with whom I’m mapping out my past, choices, secrets, exaggerations and lies. As I articulate these details, I am feeling real liberation for the first time. I’m freeing myself from all judgments of myself and of everyone near me. And as I write down in increasingly sharp detail the most embarrassing and forgettable aspects of my choices via the “homework,” these choices, and the shame they’ve brought, are slowly releasing their hold on me.
Which leads me back to my kid. My shame has to do with my temper (there, I said it); I’ve blown up unnecessarily at him a number of times in his life. I’ve always apologized and made sure we looked into one another’s eyes and healed the moment, but I want to NEVER do it again. So that was the first thing I told my coach when I started this work.
I never want to freak out without warning on my child – or anyone – ever ever again.
What I learned is that I can look starkly at where the anger came from, face it without judgment and begin to see the damaging effects as I see it manifest for the last time(s). In writing about it I’ve been able to finally slow myself down to a great extent. Now, in those moments where I’m prone to multitasking and feeling “thwarted” by my almost-4-year-old’s normal conversation or activity, I can SEE it. I stop trying to do more than one thing at a time, pause to look him in the eyes, and see from his perspective how the moment looks.
Mentioned this to Harshada David Wagner, a renowned meditation teacher. He took class with me recently and said, “How ARE you” in that way that implies that he’s listening. And I responded that I’m raw, in the midst of doing the work of my life, but I’d had a breakthrough, and that I felt like I was truly, really, unequivocally, a GOOD MOM. When he’d asked why, I told him that I’d noticed at least 6 recent occasions that I’d listened, I’d heard, I hadn’t imposed myself or my own agenda, I’d stopped and “stayed with my kid” in a completely new way. His response was epic.
“Negative space is the best gift we can give, Elena.”
I’m seeing that to host that openness in my own being is the best example I can set – for anyone – but especially for my kid. May he see me elegantly, patiently listening so that he seeks that spaciousness in his friends, his loves, his own family someday. May he feel through my attention that I am hearing and respecting myself in the spacious silence of my own heart, and operating from there —so he needn’t seek attention or gratification anywhere but in the spacious silence of his own heart.
Do you think there is a parent who hasn’t spoken to her child in a way she would rather have not?
May Jonah see not only your elegant, patient listening, but all of you. Then he’ll have the full example of a committed, loving person striving to do better, an example that he will be inspired by, and feel to be attainable, from wherever he is at the moment.
Elena…Good morning! The love you and your son have for each other is so beautiful. I have raised 3 children (28, 26, and 22) and there will be times that you look back and say I could have done it better, I could have been more patient the list goes on and on. Be kind to yourself and understand that your intention, your commitment to being the loving and “attentive” parent you are is key! When you look back at this glorious age of 4, during the teen years this will all seem so easy. Relax enjoy and know that in the blink of an eye they are adults. As I approach the marriage of my daughter, I look back at the challenging little girl she was at 4, the parenting methodology I studied and I see the errors I made, the times I missed because of work but I also see this amazing being, this beautiful woman who is my dearest friend. My point.. we teach by example, and you are a beautiful example of truth, beauty and honesty in action… Blessings on this path. Maha love..Ellen
thank you for taking the time to write this. i needed to be reminded. my daughter who is 25, my mom, everyone i know needs this from me. (!)
that last paragraph is delicious. i want to post it everywhere for all parents to witness. xx
This last writing feels really personal to me- it is still filling me, sitting next to all my space-eating stories and opinions, exaggerations and that pesky word that brings me so much shame, LIES. My heart starts to race triple time as I write it. Those lies, big and small were the food I grew up on, my sustanence and the foundation of my little girl heart, the floor of my emotional self that l work to puncture, to let the light through.
These lies are what keep me from my dream of being a mama. I feel like I have to break all this shame down, heal it first before subjecting my child to my failures. Through the words of your wise investigative heart, I realize again that I AM working, surely and at my own pace. And that every aspect of life can feed me the healthy stuff, build in me the strength or the space or the forgiveness to be truly the woman I know I am somewhere in there.
So this is a long thank you- words that all together spell out
GRATITUDE
Yes! My anger usually steps from a frantic, anxious place–and when I remember to slow down, I then have time to look at it straight on.
excellent. i wish you’d turn the male audience on, (in a nonsexist way), and get some fathers’ ears. as a father of soon to be 4 kids 3 and under, you have spoken to my life’s work. i feel like as a kid i taught myself how to listen to my own heart out of great need for survival and only hope i can facilitate that process within my children with utter freedom, gently and sincerely. teaching people to care for themselves shouldn’t be so groundbreaking and difficult, you know? great post. and best of luck with jonah.