…learn to receive when you think you must move.
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Remastered Leftovers
[Posted to Chalkboard Mag, May 2012]
ODE TO THE MODERN FAMILY: my boyfriend and I have a fun revolving schedule of kids (we each have one) and exes (we’re both close with them). So we spend as much time as we can together with family and friends, and while meals are often out at restaurants or ordered in, we do love to sit down with these various iterations of family and share meals when we can.
The frequency of those restaurant meals yields plenty of leftovers, and now that we’ve settled into our new place in Spanish Harlem, I’ve begun designing meals around the leftovers with some super simple additions to round things out. And we do have a table, but we always end up gathering around the island, where I love playing bartender. This lunch was made with our leftovers for some dear colleagues during the week of the Yoga Journal Conference in New York City, and we enjoyed a really sweet, nourishing meal.
This was the haul from a meal at Persepolis, a genius Persian restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. To work with, I had salads, creamy dressing, hummus, lentils, babaganoush and some yogurt with chopped beets. I needed a good grain, some dark greens, avocados and some of my own already-made miso dressing (which consists of equal parts lemon juice and olive oil, with 3 heaping teaspoonfuls of sweet white miso, blended with a whisk).
First I just went shopping in the salad. Tossed the sliced tomatoes, kept the still-crisp greens and carrots. There were four of us eating so I set up the four plates and started making an artful assembly line.
Another look in the fridge yielded a pint of organic tomatoes which I chopped up to make bruschetta. First I toasted four slices of Ezekiel bread, poured on the olive oil and sprinkled with coarse sea salt. Then I asked everyone to place their orders (hummus, babaganoush, tomatoes, sliced avocado). In the habit of cutting off the crusts for my kid, we had triangular perfect-bite slices to order. One of my friends is gluten-free so I gave her some Mary’s Gone Crackers to go with her choice of toppings.
After washing the kale (1-2 bunches for 4 people), I boiled a shallow pan of water and blanched it quickly in the water. Keeping the colander in the sink, tongs are great to quickly bathe the kale in the hot water. Once it’s been dunked, take it out, put it in the colander and douse it with cold water (ice works as well) to stop it from cooking. Tongs help squeeze out the excess water from the hot kale and then I like to chop it up super fine.
After putting the quinoa onto the plates next to the salad, I was about to heat up the lentils when I saw that my boyfriend had put the beef entree leftovers into the lentil container – and none of us eating that lunch were down with beef in that moment, so I got a can of organic spicy black beans and heated those up, put them on top of the quinoa, then sprinkled the chopped kale on top. Then I added some sprouted raw pumpkin seeds for crunch, poured my miso dressing on top and voila!
PHOTOS by Dominic Neitz
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The Art of Virtual Attention
“my LA desk, April 2012″
[Posted to Chalkboard Mag, 17th April 2012]
EVERY SIX WEEKS OR SO, I fly west to my beloved Los Angeles to film classes at Yogaglo. A now-global phenomenon, this gorgeously sun-lit white studio in Santa Monica is the practice backdrop for so many people worldwide. Going to teach there is precious time for me: I’m reaching so many discriminating yogis and I get to practice for hours on end, so I take the preparations seriously. For at least 3-4 weeks prior, I’ll practice teaching on certain topics and ideas in my classes in NYC at Virayoga, so I’m relatively clear on the sequences I’ll be filming, saving my notes and unearthing quotes to support the messages. And I always leave Yogaglo feeling like I’ve been on a retreat – all that time on the mat leaving me with a strong body, a soft mind and a listening heart.
About a third of the classes I film are public classes, meaning there are students with me in the room, and we thoroughly enjoy the exchange of energy. The remainder of classes we film are “privates”, meaning I’m solo, mic’d up, teaching whilst practicing the sequence by myself. Yogaglo students across the world often remark about how it seems as though I’m talking directly to THEM when I’m actually teaching to a camera, but it’s true; I feel particularly connected and purposeful when I’m filming those classes. With no live students to inspire or inform, I have to be on my mark in my speech and my movements in order to share only what is truly resonant and of broader use. At the same time, I have to stay completely in my heart.
I understand that sitting in your house and practicing yoga with a virtual teacher on your laptop or iPad might seem exactly the opposite of personal – but for the record, I’m feeling a connectedness in those moments that isn’t possible when I’m leading a live class. Closeness to my own listening is heightened when it’s just the camera and me. The wondrous intimacy of technology affords us a profoundly connected experience of a pose or a concept, unlike when I’m teaching with a room full of students. This seemingly impersonal technology actually creates the conditions for me to feel more personal.
VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIP
In my experience, texting enhances and even cements my personal relationships. For a long time I’d thought otherwise, yet with my dear friends, my boyfriend, ex-husband, sister, parents, colleagues and babysitters, the brevity of this form of communication lends both beauty and poignancy to our exchanges. The photographs and videos we now share in one instant create a richly textured emotional interaction, so intimate; so efficient. In fact, I’ve built a couple of my most nourishing friendships via photographs. Even if time together has been brief, our closeness has to do with sharing our most personal ways of seeing rather than quantity of time spent.
Then there is social media. The other night, while working alongside one of my closet friends, with a happy shout she called out that she was having a “Facebook moment.” She’d found her best friend since the seventh grade. I could feel her excitement – an entire litany of memories and hilarity descended upon us, thanks to Facebook. They began instant messaging after more than 20 years, and the feeling they both had was one of real, palpable connectedness.
Then there’s email. A colleague of mine received a letter from her own husband the other day via email. A seemingly too impersonal way for a couple to communicate, perhaps? Maybe, except that this was a gorgeous, super sexy invitation to her own bed, for a date. And while it is in no way a replacement for face-to-face contact, amongst friends, family or lovers, the impersonal distance afforded by the screen may only enrich the excitement and personal intimacy of our interactions.
VIRTUAL COLLABORATION
Years ago, I realized that my students would be best served if I studied with as many different teachers as possible. It later dawned on me that I could teach alongside other wonderful teachers and learn while working. As social media began to take a foothold in the yoga world, a few of us teachers began promoting and reaching out to each other. Eventually, that virtual closeness led to actual tandem-teaching: Yogaglo classes, benefits at Urban Zen, weekends at Kripalu, Omega, Wanderlust and Tadasana Festival, even retreats – all co-taught with dear colleagues.
To see how other teachers reach and share is so helpful, and the education we all receive whilst collaborating is unparalleled. It’s resonating farther afield; in spring 2011, Yoga Journal featured their first multi-teacher cover. Co-teaching enriches our local teaching, and due to those initial connections we’d made via social media platforms, we’re connected to one another’s hearts, visions and students. We’re able to give each other loving shout-outs over these platforms and send our students to our friends’ pages and personal sites, to check out their offerings. This shared space is abundant and growing, and any teacher worth her salt knows that we are way more powerful together, holding each other up. Seane Corn captured this superbly when she said, “Leadership means pulling people up with you as you rise.”
Thanks to this virtual world, we’re all able to reach farther, yet listen quite specifically to each other in order to connect very deeply. As long as you’re giving and receiving support and love, time online is productive, sweet and real. I keep it short and reach out with respect, and that’s all I receive in return.
Likely one of the most apt comments came recently from dear friend Tracy Silver, wife of Noah Maze, a fellow teacher and also esteemed colleague on Yogaglo. We were waxing poetic about how lucky we feel to be connected to Yogaglo, as the quality of their work and vision is so clear, true and prospering. Then, hilariously, she added, “We’re so glad to be on a drop-down menu with you.”
Creating the Love Of Our Lives
[Posted to PositivelyPositive.com, 3rd April 2012]
I was certain I’d found the love of my life seven years ago. After four years together, one beautiful child—and some real transgressions—we eroded our marriage with a mutual lack of trust. The heartbreak was intense and debilitating, but the deep and delicious friendship we’ve since built is positively profound. And with help, even though we’re no longer married, we have completely created the family of our dreams.
What happened to the love of my life? What I came to realize is that my lack of clear communication with my family had impacted my marriage, as well as my work, my bank account, and my health. What goes unaddressed in our families takes up precious real estate in our hearts, minds, and bodies. Any qualities we judge in them become deeply embedded in us. I wanted something different for my son than that wordless, indefinable rift I had felt with my family.
I began working with a coach. She taught me that one of the highest, holiest privileges of being human is taking the time to sort through and own my part in my family dynamic. Once we can grasp that, we begin to see the lessons we came here to learn through our family—that is what brings us home to our own hearts.
Observe
If you really want to create the love of your life, take some time to observe yourself in family contexts, without rushing or trying to change anything initially. You’re learning to distinguish that great divide within: where we are so incredibly connected in certain areas of our lives and decidedly not in others. We feel that chasm as an erosion of our confidence on a cellular level. This takes us far away from any state of true love.
Once I’d seen from all angles that all the things I found unsavory in my family were, in some shade or tone, my own traits, I stopped destructively blaming, and started inviting everyone back into my heart. That’s about when I started trusting myself, and being proud of who I am as a Mama. Because within myself I’m finally (during most moments) unified within myself. I’m not hiding anymore.
Light, freedom, and clarity
After years of Handel coaching, I realized I had secrets, opinions, and assumptions about what people near me thought and felt, and each one was a wall keeping the most important people away from my heart. Which only hurt me, and blocked me from the ultimate love of my life within myself. Which was, more importantly, affecting my behavior with my son, and his connectivity to his own family. Through a painful but vital look at my judgments, my hypocrisy (“I’m a yoga teacher, I don’t yell/smoke/cheat/lie”), through several long-awaited and highly feared apologies, forgivenesses, and other death-defying conversations—there it is: Light in my eyes. Total freedom in my cells. Comforting clarity in my heart. Light, freedom, and clarity translate to confidence. And this confidence is prerequisite to creating the love of my life, both within myself and with everyone around me.
Let the wall down
Whoever it is, release them from the interior prison in which you’re holding them. How? Get thyself a coach to help you see the patterns and aspects of your relatives and/or close friends that you’ve been hating and banning. In this work, you’ll learn that what you’ve been holding against everyone for so long is exactly what you’re hosting within yourself. Once you know, you can stop attracting those abhorrent qualities into your life.
Forgive
I’m also getting as many people as I can to forgive. When you can forgive—yourself and others—and stop the imprisonment, you’re creating the love of your life. That love of your life is a state of being. You’re generating deep trust in yourself by doing the work of making things right. Once you learn to articulate the truth spaciously, the trust you build becomes your state. That state points in one direction: to Love. Interiorly, exteriorly, Love.
Creating and cultivating that state of Love, in our friendships, romantic relationships, and with our kids, hinges upon our ability to trust ourselves enough to speak our truth, ask for help, apologize, and forgive. Ultimately, designing this love depends on all of that.
Welcome to one of the greatest honors of being alive: creating the love of your life.
Teaching Kids to Lie
[Published in Origin Magazine March 2012]
There’s a First Time for Everything
Once upon a time, a superb New York City mama (let’s call her Sylvia) took her 5 year old daughter (let’s call her Lili) and her daughter’s friend ice-skating in Central Park. It was a beautiful day for ice skating; the sun was shining, the air just the right kind of winter warm. And as a result of the sunshine, the line to get into Wollman Rink was about two hours long.
Sylvia remembered last year, when she had the brilliant idea to jump to the front of the line, claiming that her daughter needed to use the bathroom. In the door and into a pair of rental skates they went.
“Hi there, Sir, my daughter really has to go to the bathroom, is that possible?”
“Why yes of course, please, go right ahead.”
And off went Sylvia, Lili, and friend, “victorious,” to “use the bathroom.” Then Sylvia exclaimed, “Well, since we’re HERE already, let’s just get some skates on!” Wink, wink.
That, dear friends, was Lili’s first lesson in how to lie.
Victory?
Typically, victory means dominance over someone or something, using pressure, effort, wit, artistry or talent. Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche talks about victory as a means of awakening, and redefines the concept for us.
“…victory is a natural sense of existence that provides no need for challenge, so no enemies exist. Since there is no regret and no laziness, you begin to appreciate the sacredness of the world.”
In this story, when Sylvia came across this intensely long line, she saw it as a challenge to overcome, rather than a context to respect. She could’ve just taught her kid how to creatively have fun while she waited. If this “wink wink / cut the line” were to happen a few more times, Sylvia would wonder why, ten years down the road, Lili hides her boyfriends, her drug use and bad grades, and might even call her child a “liar” – when it was she who taught her daughter exactly how to deceive.
From a place of decency, trust and respect that we as parents can cultivate in any circumstance, there is no need for dominance over anything – whether it’s a long line, your partner’s bad mood, or some misdeed that’s been done. Our children are absorbing our behaviors – let’s show them how to respect the space they’re in by handling ours with elegance, creativity and vision.
Remapping Our Minds
[Posted on Huffington Post Healthy Living, 18 March 2012]
Love really is a state of equality consciousness; no speculation, no assumptions or opinions. Love is happening when we’re relating, directly, to what is happening. Lately I’ve been learning how to relate directly to my life rather than through my memories or expectations. I’m actively rooting out my expressions of anger by paying $1 for every doubting thought. My anger, I’ve realized, is just sad doubt, which, unchecked, morphs into aggression. I’m averaging about 4 bucks per day, down from about 8 a couple weeks ago. Not bad.
While at first it was annoying and mildly horrifying, it’s funny to label them now. There’s the doubt that I’m good enough at anything, or the one where my boyfriend might leave, or that one about what a mediocre teacher I am, or what a shitty mama I’m being. [Note, those of you who know and love me, I know the doubts are untrue, but there they are, again and again]. I’m thrilled by the prospect of getting deeper into the process of seeing it all so clearly and plainly in order to ultimately clear them out of my world.
So presumably because of all this detailed work, these days I’m hearing myself angry in my dreams, calling people names out of fear that they will leave me or wrong me. Strangest bit is that I always get the “do-over” in my dreams; I somehow get to literally pause, rewind and rewrite the scene now. [Note, I do this with my son aLOT, offer him the "do-over" so he can have a second chance to do the right thing, before I get that angry face going. What a revolution that has been for both of us.] It’s incredible. I awaken from those dreams refreshed, reset, rewired.
Which brings me to the potentiality with which we are playing now. Remapping our minds.
Firstly, with the assignment of seeing each doubting THOUGHT (bless you Beth Weissenberger), we can become true masters of our minds, and authors of our lives. In real time. Excruciating initially, this really does feel like a victory within myself when I open up that memo in my phone and note those thoughts each day. Beth says to go for 6 weeks in order to reboot the system. I’m nearing the end of week 2.
Secondly, that potential “reboot” is actually the exhilarating possibility of re-mapping our brains. Meditation is a key aspect of this, and with even short meditations plus assiduous observation of those debilitating thoughts, our brains literally re-map themselves. With this we really do find more space, clarity and consciousness. We really do have longer-term, more healing experiences of love. May we all stay in Love – in direct relationship to the crazy wisdom of this present moment.
