The Reality of Being is a newly released book of writings and talks of Madame Jeanne DeSalzmann, who was called upon to continue the teachings of the Work after Gurdjieff’s death. I’ll be quoting from this book for years to come.

One bit [that I’ve been sharing with a number of my classes recently] hits home with so many people.

“I begin to see that I live torn between two realities. On the one hand, there is the reality of my existence on the earth, which limits me in time and space, with all its threats and opportunities for satisfaction. On the other hand, there is a reality of being that is beyond this existence, a reality for which I have nostalgia.” from The Reality of Being

At first, this made me uneasy, and I didn’t speak of it in my classes until I’d unraveled it for myself a bit. Something like this was touching me, yet the juxtaposition of earthly existence and this “other” existence needed clarification. In the tantric world, we are decidedly NOT limited in this earthly existence. We are, however, meant to make the most of the earthly opportunities presented while we are here, now. What spoke to me, though, is the remembrance, the “nostalgia,” the yearning for connection to the most calmly centered, connected aspect of ourselves, and it “calls to our consciousness,” according to Madame De Salzmann, “across all the disappointments and misfortunes, to lead to serve” the divine in ourselves, that “other” existence.

Serving the Divine in ourselves means serving the Divine in everyone around us, in everything we do. What does that mean, to serve the Divine, in anything or anyone? It means to bring our highest game to the table, to be still and powerfully choose our stance, to be – if you will – a Warrior of Light. It means to be great, to be forgiving, to be listening; and most of all, to be present in this “earthly” existence.

Recently I’ve had a few email exchanges with students around interactions wherein we are challenged by someone else’s fear-based insecurities. My various responses contain a certain commonality that I hope may be useful.

Based on what I’ve learned – from Dr. Douglas Brooks, from Hugo Cory, and from the Handel Group coaches – is that anyone else’s action or assumption toward me is simply reflecting some state or behavior I’m hosting within myself. So when someone asked recently about what to do if a colleague is using them as a proverbial punching bag for their own insecurity, I offered two very simple options:

1 – mind your own reactions and remain courteous, calm, and centered;

2 – find the way in which YOU are treating THEM as a punching bag for your own insecurity, even if solely in your mind, and address it in yourself. Then return to number 1.

What I recognize in others is always something I hold in myself. Now it’s a matter of the “Art of Attention:” am I placing attention on some fear, or can I return, artfully, to the present moment and offer my best? The question comes down to dread or beauty? My choice. My POWERFUL choice.

A wise friend of mine recently offered, “You’re allowed to change, and you’re allowed to enjoy who you’re becoming.”

In a recent moment of confusion, I was asked to deliver my beauty and power to that moment, instead of running away (which I’d already done, to a degree). I took 30 seconds (yes, I’m keeping track; last time it took at least 3+ minutes, and in recent years it’s taken from 10 minutes to 10 months) to shift emphasis and deliver my beauty and my power in the form of my strong, steady presence, which was all that was needed.

I took hold of the situation by doing what I’d wanted done for me; I gave affection and attention. For so long I’ve wanted to stop the train of insecurity and rise higher and I’m finally certain of my capacity to adapt, and bring light.

At several points in my life, I’ve told myself a damaging lie: “As soon as I can be purified, cleared, cleansed of this or that thought, emotion, experience, or meal, I’ll be fine.” I’ve missed so many day-to-day riches in the name of that impending “purer” or “cleaner” moment.

For years I was destroying myself in the name of “purification,” doing cleanses and fasts with a misaligned attitude – in order to get rid of some supposedly toxic aspect of myself. I see now that it was a deleterious process of shaming myself that didn’t “purify” at all. And although I still cleanse a few times a year, I’m now hosting a quality of investigation throughout the process of cleansing now. It’s not about becoming more pure; it’s simply about paying more attention. And when I pay attention, I can tell the truth – to myself or anyone else – in any moment. And when I tell the truth, that’s purity.

I’ve learned from my teacher Dr. Douglas Brooks that this entire life is a “process of deepening engagement, appreciation and participation,” and I’m sensing that purity has everything to do with my level of engagement, gratitude and authentic participation in my daily life. If something is hard to say, I want to find the courage to say it. That’s purity. If something seems lacking, I want to remember the utter sufficiency of my life as it is, and set the example of that state of sufficiency to my child, my parents, my beloved, and my students. That’s purity.

I’ve destroyed myself in other ways; with addictions and reactions. Because I’m vain enough, I’ve ceased most of those destructive habits. And finally I’ve reached a point when I refuse to endlessly punish myself for those past choices, and will no longer try to purge them from my past. As Byron Katie says, self-destruction is an ancient religion. She adds a ringing high note to ensure that we all stay present, “I’m a woman without a future. So there are no surprises. It all just IS what it is.”

This teaches me the most pivotal lesson of all: what I make of each moment is my choice.
I’m already pure when I ask, rather than worry, about something confusing or awkward. The asking is a part of the engagement with the truth, and that too is purity.

Practice: 5 minutes with purity

Sit still, give your heart and your organs the gift of your breathing. Observe your most pressing, current worry, for just 2 minutes. When I do this sitting, I ask what direction this worry takes: is it a projection into the past, or reaching into the future? Because I’m simply sitting, and every time I investigate that question, I realize that none of those projections are actually happening. Once that seems clear, spend the ensuing 3 minutes savoring the fullness of your breathing, in and around your heart… and any connectedness that arises within yourself, or to others, as you sit. Both the expansion and potential connection are healing for your whole body, and when you observe openly, that observation is a path to purity.

Rather than worry about what’s been done or what’s to come, I want to observe, and investigate more. That’s when I feel connected to my heart, when I feel at ease speaking and living the truth, even in the most personal and emotional moments. That’s purity.

CLEANSES IN NYC:

With a very stable, holistic approach, we can all benefit deeply from a few cleanses a year, when we give our digestive system a breather and invite only the finest nutrients to shower our cells with hydration and nourishment. Be sure to ask for support from the purveyors; each cleanse listed here offers personal support as needed.

My preferred juice [or juice + salad] cleanses come from Rasa Life and Organic Avenue. Both can be delivered to your door and are full of integrity, organic fruits and veggies, and made with love.

On the other hand, meant for folks who have never cleansed and want to “wake up,” start to heal an illness or support the body anew: my 2 favorite detox cleanses. Clean and Total Renewal both include one meal a day, along with supercharged, accessible protein powders and well-wrought supplements.

First day I was satisfied with my parenting was a week ago, which is notable only because my child is almost 4, and I’ve been way too hard on myself for a long time. I’m currently doing some intense work with The Handel Group, with whom I’m mapping out my past, choices, secrets, exaggerations and lies. As I articulate these details, I am feeling real liberation for the first time. I’m freeing myself from all judgments of myself and of everyone near me. And as I write down in increasingly sharp detail the most embarrassing and forgettable aspects of my choices via the “homework,” these choices, and the shame they’ve brought, are slowly releasing their hold on me.

Which leads me back to my kid. My shame has to do with my temper (there, I said it); I’ve blown up unnecessarily at him a number of times in his life. I’ve always apologized and made sure we looked into one another’s eyes and healed the moment, but I want to NEVER do it again. So that was the first thing I told my coach when I started this work.

I never want to freak out without warning on my child – or anyone – ever ever again.

What I learned is that I can look starkly at where the anger came from, face it without judgment and begin to see the damaging effects as I see it manifest for the last time(s). In writing about it I’ve been able to finally slow myself down to a great extent. Now, in those moments where I’m prone to multitasking and feeling “thwarted” by my almost-4-year-old’s normal conversation or activity, I can SEE it. I stop trying to do more than one thing at a time, pause to look him in the eyes, and see from his perspective how the moment looks.

Mentioned this to Harshada David Wagner, a renowned meditation teacher. He took class with me recently and said, “How ARE you” in that way that implies that he’s listening. And I responded that I’m raw, in the midst of doing the work of my life, but I’d had a breakthrough, and that I felt like I was truly, really, unequivocally, a GOOD MOM. When he’d asked why, I told him that I’d noticed at least 6 recent occasions that I’d listened, I’d heard, I hadn’t imposed myself or my own agenda, I’d stopped and “stayed with my kid” in a completely new way. His response was epic.

“Negative space is the best gift we can give, Elena.”

I’m seeing that to host that openness in my own being is the best example I can set – for anyone – but especially for my kid. May he see me elegantly, patiently listening so that he seeks that spaciousness in his friends, his loves, his own family someday. May he feel through my attention that I am hearing and respecting myself in the spacious silence of my own heart, and operating from there —so he needn’t seek attention or gratification anywhere but in the spacious silence of his own heart.